First Blog- untitled plolit

It is 12 pm Wednesday the 22nd of June 2011. Which means i should be in school, yet instead i am at home doing nothing. I have no reason for not going in apart from there is no reason for me to attend. I leave everything to the last minuet, i revise when i feel like it and my attendance is bad. Yet i am still top of the class achieving highly. This annoys many people, which, if im honest just pleases me more. 

I like school, i like being alone (hence why today i am home) but a school social complexity interests me. I don't consider myself as popular. Mainly cause i see that as an insult; most popular people are stupid. I quite honestly don’t like the line light 24/7 so i say on the edge. Im also quite a geek so those who don't know me wouldn’t guess the fact that i can down vodka like water and smoke weed before school (nor do i want them to.) I like the fact people don't know me. The fact is most people don’t know them self.

I am who i am. And i don't want to be anything else. Yes i hate my life, but at the moment my life has meaning in it. This meaning brings me pain but it keeps me living. I cant kill myself if love still breathes. I don't feel  for many people. In fact i feel nothing for most people. I care for three people in the world, my boyfriend, my bestfriend and my sister. My sister gave me conference, my boyfriend (whom i love) showed me i can get what i want in life. My best friend is the most attractive girl in are year, I used to have a crush on her so i became her best friend. I found out how amazing she is and fell in love with her. Although she is straight we have a close bond, which i am quite impressed with. I feel so strongly for my boyfriend and my best friend. 

Although i sometimes wonder if the feelings are real. You see at a young age i released the not feeling makes you less human. So what was i, society would call me wrong, as humanity frith s on emotion. I agree, the fact that i don't care makes me limitless in my destruction. To me hurt and pain is good, and it is what taught me to synthesis feeling. So now i find myself wondering have i found a way to lie so flawlessly even i believe it. Is love the result of my twisted fakery or a gift to ease my emptiness. I believe i feel love. But if it is a gift i ask a gift from who??? 

People say we are given what we have from God. Being brought up in a Christian family i understand the ‘logic’ behind that, but if i don't feel why would i be i child of god. I have no conscience, sin is pleasure for me. I love the bad more than righteousness. Murder is a frequent fantasy. Surely in biblical theology i would be a ‘child of darkness’. That amuses me. The fact is i know my capabilities are very wide but why would i make life harder for my self but doing the wrong thing. When I was seven i started self harming cause i wanted to feel, it didn't work. I hated myself so much (i still do). I want to be the best, a human can. I don't care for others but its just easer to pretend i do. I try to the best person i can. I don't get to fights because i know i could loss it so i fight competitively (sports wise).  I only lie when really want to and yes i do get close to people and find stuff out about the but i hardly ever use it against them. 

You see i hate this ideology that a sociopaths have no control. Its stupid, we are smart enough to know what is what is best for our self. I fit in cause i don't want attention right now. The fact is, someone without a mental health problem is just as likely to cause pain as me. The difference is I don't give in to pear pressure, most of the time i don’t care enough to hurt someone and i think logically and rationally enough to do whats best for me. If anything that makes me less likely to hurt someone than someone with mommy problems and an IQ below 90. I want to be a good person and because of that i will be. No go and ask some one ‘normal’ and the person that cares more will want something selfish. 

You could say we want what we cant have, i already have what i want and im telling you know i will never let go......... ;)

>>>>>>>>>>>>> amoraeternusabangelusmortis